My children

There are several topics that are floating about in my agile brain (that likes to wake up and be alert at the most annoying times) that I could write about, but I think I will share my most favorite one, the one that is the most positive.

Over the last five or six years, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions.  I have been to the depths of depression, so far down that I wasn't sure I would come back from that abyss, and then back up to the height of joy and then only to dip back down into the darkness, and back up again.  The twists and turns of happiness and despair have all been brought on by my own inner demons that I allowed to be fed not only by me but by others as well, and they, for the time being at least, have been caged and the lock securely fastened.  But that doesn't mean those nasty insecure thoughts and fears won't escape. 

The reasons they have been caged and the lock fastened are because I have been truly blessed to have the children I have.  I know that I have been divinely favored to have them both.  Each one of them have, in their own way, helped me come back from that abyss. 

Because of who they are as individuals, and as human beings, they have kept me aware that there is no greater joy in my life than them.  And because of who they are and who I am as a mother, I have fought the Catholic School system for them, I have defended them to one I shouldn't have to defend them to.  They have kept me laughing and smiling, and striving to be better.  They inspire me to move forward, to see the joy in situations, to be fair and keep my temper in check.  It's because of them I'm learning to make choices that not only benefit them, but me as well in the long run. 

They both have huge hearts, are very loving, intelligent, have wonderful senses of humor.  They both have made me proud in how they have handled difficult situations over the years.  When they are away from me or out in public, the proudest moments I feel are when I get feedback that they were helpful, well behaved, and my most favorite one came from a flight attendant that told me they listened better than the majority of adults at the instructions being given.  The relationship I have with my children is one in which they know they can come talk to me, even if they think it will get them in trouble.  They know I will listen. 

Don't get me wrong, they are not perfect little angels and can frustrate the heck out of me like any child can.  They have their moments of where I would like to knock them into next week or even past the age of 18.  Like any child, I don't think they fully comprehend the lengths I would go to for them, and that is how it should be. 

So for my children, I have found my backbone again, I have again found compassion that I thought I had lost.  I know I have strength.  I know I am a good person, and because of their love and faith in me, I have found those things within myself again.  They are the reason for my seeing or trying to find the light all around even on my darkest days.

Loss is not always a bad thing

As another sleepless night takes over my world, my wide awake brain stumbles across the thought of loss.  Not necessarily loss from death, but the voluntary loss of giving up something or someone else that has meaning to you in some way or another. 

I know that on other occasions I have written about loss and how it's not necessarily a bad thing, and I still firmly believe that, even after the losses I've suffered over the last 2 1/2 years.  I'm also bracing myself for a couple of losses that I know will be coming up in the next year.

All loss, whether via the final loss of death of a person or a pet or the loss of a relationship whether romantic or platonic, helps us to grow in some way.  That loss humbles us, teaches us that everything changes and everything ends at one time or another.  Alright so that came across on more of the despondent side when it really isn't meant to be that way.  Change can be good, if you look at it with a certain perspective.  Then again, I feel that almost any situation, if viewed in the right light is a good thing, or will be given time.  Most loss can be looked at as a new beginning.  A new chapter to start again.  Yes those last statements are very much a cliché, but it is the truth.  Loss can teach us to own our mistakes, admit our failings and be able to apologize with sincerity. 

In both romantic and platonic relationships, it isn't one person who makes or breaks the union, it is both people who make or break the pairing.  When a relationship ends, it gives each person a chance to figure out what they themselves did to perpetuate the ending.  We can only evaluate our own actions because the actions and reactions to any given situation is controlled by the individual not by outside forces.  Once we honestly evaluate and even re-evaluate our part in the demise of the relationship, we can then change that within ourselves that aided in the ending of the union.

The key to make any relationship whether platonic or romantic work is open and honest communication.  Too many times a good relationship is trashed because of gossip from other people who have their own insecure agendas to attend to.  Most of the time when someone is talking to you about another person, there is a little voice in your head going wait, this doesn't sound like that person, 9 times out of 10 that little voice is right.  I have been the one to trash a friendship because of what was said, and I have been on the receiving end of the one being trashed by someone who for some unknown reason was jealous of me and who I am to someone. 

In the instance where I trashed a friendship because of what was said, it was because I didn't listen to that little voice in my head that told me what was being said didn't sit well and wasn't right.  When I have been on the receiving end, a potential love walked away because there was fear of confrontation, fear of rejection and a fear of if what was being said was true.  It was only after a series of events and as this person was dying that they found the courage to contact me to ask, and the answers they received and gave were bittersweet.  It was discovered that had they come to me sooner, then we both could have possibly had, no matter how brief, a wonderful relationship where the only regret was the lack of time together. 

So for my part I try to go to the person directly, even if some time has gone by.  Sometimes you never know, there may still be a chance for things to work out favorably and hope is something that you should never let go of.

So slow it's not noticed at first...

A friend of mine whom I have never met in a tangible way, but have connected on the social networking site IMVU wrote a poem that speaks to me in many ways. The poem below gives an idea of the life that I have led for the last 11 years.  

It's not like you seek out someone who's going to undermine everything you are, it just happens.  It happens because the person starts out so very charming and loving, and then they find every flaw you have, every insecurity and they pick and pick and pick until you feel that it's you that is the problem when in actuality it is them.  It's not an overnight thing, or a few days, it happens so slowly, that no one can realize it's happening until the actions of someone unexpected, (if you're one of the lucky ones), opens your eyes to the reality of your life. 

It's only when you start to realize what is truly happening in your life around you that you start to find yourself again, and sometimes become aggressive in your attitude, words and actions towards others.  This isn't because you are an aggressive person, but because you want to vehemently protect what you are fighting so hard to regain.  When anyone or anything seems to want to take it from you their actions, even when meant as a jest, will elicit a reaction that is usually more than what the situation calls for. 

I am one of the lucky ones.  I had someone unexpected, about 7 years ago now, open my eyes to the reality of my life.  They weren't even trying to do that, this person was just being kind, and even though we have gone our separate ways, this person will always have a special place in my heart.

This poem below that my friend wrote just says it all.

People just don’t understand,
when I say you made me change my fit,
You didn’t actually order me to do it.
No you were more subtle in your control
Merely expressing such disdain
That I was eager to change
Switch to something that you loved
Basking in your words of praise
Not understanding until far too late
That was the beginning of my fate
Teaching, training me to obey
Every little thing you say
A disapproving frown
at the color of my gown
were all it took to send me scurrying
ripping off the offending item hurrying
It was not restricted to the way I dressed
You soon controlled every living breath
Whom I saw, where I was, what I did.
Sounding so reasonable in your requests
You knew better to do as you said was best.
By the time other punishments started for me to pay
when I was stubborn and thought to disobey
You made me feel you had the right
I was yours protected and safe only by your might
The world was a cruel horrible place
Only with you would I be okay.
When I was a shallow mockery
Of the person I used to be
Miraculously you set free
Left a shallow hollow shell of me
Tossed aside like used up trash
You moved on to conquer another in a flash
And now here I am trying to find myself
Shaking my head when people ignorantly say
Oh I would never let someone treat me that way.
Before him I would have said the same
Knowing better now how sweet charming fellows
Often hide conniving devils.

Eli 1/14/12

Just something off my chest

I have to say that I am easily amused and highly entertained by those that think they know me, what I think about, who I am, and how I spend my time when I'm not in their presence.  So I'm going to divulge the secret life I lead.

My divorce is about to be finished and contrary to the belief of some, I am so not looking for a new relationship of the romantic persuasion.  I have spent the last 12 years with the same man, and the majority of those years have not been the happiest years for me.  So my being involved with someone is the furthest thing from my mind right now.

Like every newly divorced person, right now I'm saying I won't marry again.  But I really do believe that I won't be legally tied to another person again via the route of marriage.  I know I will more than likely commit to someone else, but I'm very, very leery about having the legal bind there again. 

For the first time in my life I am dependent on no one to make sure things are taken care of.  Little by little I'm finding that I am taking care of things on my own.  So I'm happy being single right now.  I have some good friends that would be there if I needed them, and I have family that, (even though I would have to drive for hours or fly to them), loves me and would be there for me as well.

Most of the time I'm at home with one or both of my children, I am either watching a movie, TV or playing on the computer when I'm not picking up after the hurricanes known as my children.  I go out about once or twice a month with my gay boyfriend.  Overall my days are spent either at work or at home.  Nothing too exciting, no major drama other than ex-spouse; I lead a very quiet life actually. 

I'm on semi friendly terms with my future ex husband, but that's mainly because of our children.  I have my children and my animals.  I would like someone in my life, but I'm a package deal, and my children will come before any man. 

I am slowly finding the calm within and I try to focus on that most of the time.  I try not to burden others with what's going on in my life that's drama filled. 

So basically, I'm single, I'm happy, I'm not looking for anyone but I'm open to the idea.  I feel truly blessed for everything and everyone in my life.

new blog and little light

I've had a blog on here for quite a while, but have gone away from it and come back to it several times.  It has been a mainstay of how my life has chronicled since deciding it was best that my husband and I divorce. 

I would like for this new blog to have a new tone, new thoughts, or even just expanding on ideas that I just briefly touched on, basically I would like to try and show a new attitude.

I have found an inner light that sometimes burns very brightly and I get comments, compliments and maybe a few complaints.  Other days it's very faint but I can still see it. 

When I made reference to this little light a few days ago, a friend of mine advised in our chat on facebook " You just do NOT hold onto that happiness.  It'll scare it away.  Treat it like the sun...somedays it's strong and warm, some days it's cloudy and veiled...but it's always there anyhow."

That is the trick though; to remember that even when the light is faint and I'm having a hard time seeing it, that the happiness I've found within me is still there.  I just have to focus more on the light and what makes me happy and not let the extraneous interferences get to me.  Yes, it is much easier said than done, but it is the truth and I've never been one to hide from the truth.

So as the days go by and my thoughts spur me to write, I'm going to be writing again.  Maybe the thoughts will be funny, maybe serious, maybe who knows what.  But I'm working on me again and keeping the little flame going and not let someone bring me down enough to where it is extinguished.