A minor venting

I am so trying to be the bigger person and not wish any harm on him because of the children mostly, but also because that's not who I am or want to become.  But there are days when I almost want to go against who I am.  Today was one of those days.

I want to rip him to shreds in this blog, but I really don't see why it would matter.  I'm not even sure it would make me feel better at this point.  So many different things over the years that he has sabotaged in some way or another for whatever his weak reasons are.  I really think that he feels if he makes this divorce as difficult as he can in a passive aggressive way I will get tired, give up and go back to him.  He really doesn't know me.  It only makes me loathe him even more.  I will be civil always because of the children.  I will be the better person because I know I'm the better person. 

I really don't want anything bad to happen to him.  I just want him to let me go.  I want him to move on and be happy.  I know I never made him happy and it wasn't because I didn't try.  I came to the realization you can't make someone happy who isn't happy themselves.

Right now I'm tired, I'm frustrated and I'm very angry.  I just want the divorce to be over.  It's time for this marriage to end.  Not something that I ever wanted to say about being married, but this is what I was given. 

I will not do the marriage thing again.  I will not be legally bond to anyone in that manner again.  If the relationship is true, that piece of paper is not needed.  The legal issues of not being a spouse can be overcome through living wills and powers of attorney.  But having to divide everything with several pieces of paper when the only thing left in a marriage is bitterness and anger, makes marriage not worth it at all for me.  I can't do this again, so the best way to avoid going through this again is to not get married.  Simply stated. 

I know this post isn't very informative.  It also isn't very clear the point of it.  For the most part this was just a minor venting about my situation that I find myself in.  I even acknowledge this isn't my best work.  My thoughts are scattered and unfocused.  Soon I will have clarity again, and soon I will find security.

it's ok to cry

I am not going to lie and say that everything is always happy, fine, that there's nothing wrong.  Each day I do try to wake up and think of some blessing no matter how small it is, to be thankful for it.  Even on days where it is so hard to just get myself moving I try to do this.  Normally I can find something quickly to be thankful for even if it's my pets or I have to go with a roof over my head, yada, yada, yada, you get the picture.  Today was different.

I knew today was going to be a difficult day when I couldn't think of something immediately to be happy for.  I thought to myself, 'great, the inner demons are going to wreak havoc today'.  For the most part they were kept at bay, but it was a struggle. 

I have a tendency to want to take care of other people, especially if I care about them on some level.  I especially do it when I'm feeling down and it makes me feel good to take care of others in some way.  Sometimes this is misconstrued as something else, when it really isn't.  It's just the way I deal with things going on in my own life.

There are varying descriptions of this idiosyncrasy of mine.  It has been said because I'm kind hearted, a kind soul, a healer, a good friend, a mother hen, and other things along those lines.  To me it's a coping mechanism.  If I'm busy taking care of others then I don't have time to think about me and my thoughts and issues.  But when I come home and it's just my daughter and I, most of the time she's doing her thing and I'm left to my own devices and that's when my myriad of thoughts and the sadness from what has been going on crash like waves over me. 

I have to remember that I can't and shouldn't always fight the sadness and tears because they are there for a reason.  The tears are there to relieve the pressure that can build over time from holding everything in.  I'm not a big crier.  I will shed a few tears at a sad movie, I will cry when others are crying,  and oh I will start balling when I'm angry, which makes me even angrier, and then I cry harder, that's just a vicious circle I wish didn't happen.  But crying because I'm hurting emotionally or spiritually, not something I do too often.  However it is something I should let myself do.  I have to remember it's ok to cry, just like it's ok to laugh, it's ok to be angry, and like all the other emotions.  Not an easy thing to do for me.

So we'll see what the night brings.  Maybe I'll wake up and the demons will be at rest again, or...well we won't worry about that right now.

Ending and beginning

Today was a bittersweet day.  The house we bought together we put on the market to sell.  It's the home we bought after we had reconciled, and were planning to raise our children and grow old together.  But life has a way of changing your plans.  Even though I've been waiting for this divorce for a while, putting the house on the market put a period on the end of something that I knew I would only do one time.  Now the only thing left to do is have the divorce finalized and then I'm free.  Free...what a word to use in regards to the ending of a bond that wasn't supposed to be broken. 

There isn't any one particular reason as to why our bond unraveled, from my understanding, usually there's an accumulation of causes.  Which was the case with me.  Just little things happened over the years, and then it just got to where an incident finally severed the bond.  I don't want to go into the details of the incidents to justify my decision for divorce, suffice it to say it was the best for all concerned in the long run. 

Even though on some levels I am relieved about this finally ending so I can become happy again, on other levels I am extremely sad.  I didn't get married just to get a divorce.  I had made a commitment to myself that I would get married only once, whether it lasted or not.  That doesn't mean I won't have a relationship again, because I still think relationships are good.  I just don't feel the need to have that legal bond again.  I have heard from those married more than once tell me, "oh I said that too, and look at me, I got married again".  I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful to my friends and others who have said that, but in case y'all haven't noticed, I'm not like everyone else.  In most cases I am the exception to the rules people have they use to compartmentalize others.  I don't usually fit into any one area, and therefore, I'm either ignored, cherished, or vilified.  But, that too is a subject for another day.

Back to the subject at hand, marriage, or rather the ending of a marriage, particularly mine.  I've said over and over, he's not a bad person, and that we are friends that should never have gotten married.  Even though he has done some horrible things to me, I know I have done things that he may consider just as bad, so it's equal.  I accept my part in the failure of the matrimonial bond.

In any relationship whether romantic or platonic, there has to be give and take, there has to be honesty, mutual respect, mutual trust, communication and honesty.  There can't be rashness, cruelty, degradation, accusations, nor manipulation.  These last are a sure way to lead a relationship to destruction. 

In any and all relationships it takes two.  Two to make the relationship work, and two for the relationship to fail.  One person alone cannot carry the union.  I have learned these things over time, and I have learned that happiness has to come from within oneself first before you can even begin to attempt to make another happy.  Long ago a friend told me I needed to love myself, and he was right.  It wasn't until recently I was fully able to do so. 

I am sad and have grieved over the ending of my marriage, but I am also ready to move on to the next part of my life.  I am accepting of being alone, but I won't be lonely because I have my children, wonderful friends and a glimmer of hope that maybe there is someone who has the qualities I'm looking for in a mate, and hopefully I will have what he is looking for as well.  I'm not going to settle for someone, nor will I accept someone settling for me because that is also a recipe for disaster, something I've learned firsthand as well.

Depression

I have noticed that it is so easy for some to discount the way another feels because they either don't care, or they have never felt the same way, so they don't understand.
Depression is one of these things that many do not truly understand how debilitating it can be. It has a tendency to run in families, but it can strike at anyone. People will say, oh just shake it off, or you are just in a rut, try something different, or some other saying like that. They aren't trying to be mean, but if you have never experienced true depression then it's hard to understand. Yes, everyone can get the blues and be down, but depression is something beyond those things.
Unless you have lived through it and survived the deepest depths that depression can take you to, to the point of wanting to or even attempting to take your own life, then you have not experienced the type of depression I'm talking about.
I have known a few that have committed suicide and there were people that called them a coward and said if they had only reached out to someone, then they could have helped. But that's just it, depression makes you feel very alone.  You also don't want to burden anyone with your problems, and most of all, you don't want to bring anyone else down with you. Depression will strip all light from your life.  You don't want to do anything, you don't want to see anyone, most times you just want to sleep and not get out of bed.
The commercials for the antidepressants can only show what it looks like from the outside, but the war that is waging on the inside is a horrible, self-esteem stripping bloodbath, and like all wars, some don't make it. Those that do make it are constantly walking a fine line, and have to keep constant vigilance to not sink into those depths. It's tiring and exhausting to deal with, but you have to find something or someone, even if that someone doesn't know it, to focus on to keep you moving forward, and not spiral down into those dark depths again.
I am one of those that suffer from depression, I choose not to use the medication because I'm a very empathic person and the drugs make me feel like a part of me is missing, something similar to being blind or deaf is the only way I can describe it. Some of you have experienced my listening, and being able to pinpoint how you are feeling without you saying anything. On the medication I couldn't do that, and that made the drugs abhorrent to me.
Depression can lead to many addictions, like alcohol and drugs and even food. I don't drink that much anymore, because the temporary feeling of not feeling is too tempting, and since alcoholism as well as depression in many of its forms runs in my family, it's best if I don't drink too often. Sometimes I do partake, but I limit myself to how much I drink.
So for those of you who have never experienced this kind of depression, you are truly blessed and I really envy you, and I hope that you never do. For those of you who have, you know what I'm talking about.
For me the depression comes in cycles and I have to recognize the warning signs and start combating them. Learning that it's ok to feel some of the anger, resentment, and unhappiness that I do has helped. I have learned to channel it, mostly into writing, not all here, some elsewhere, but it is an outlet. It is a part of me, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Don't take the little things for granted, because sometimes the little things are all some of us have to hold onto.

Words

Sometimes I will just start writing around a particular word. Not really knowing what I'm going to write about it. I just let it take on a life of its own, just to see what happens. I'm one of those 'unique' individuals who, as a child, read the dictionary just because it was there and I had read everything else.  That's what happens when you have allergies and asthma and are forced to stay inside a lot.  

Words are wonderful, powerful, magical things. You can raise someone to the highest heights or throw them down into the deepest abyss by a single word, phrase or sentence. By changing the inflection of a spoken word, you can change the meaning. By rearranging the words in a sentence, you can change the tone.

The written word in a poem can have the same effect as a spoken word if the words are chosen correctly. You can make someone feel all sorts of emotions with words.

The words of truth can either cut like a knife to the heart; or the same truth spoken with a kinder tone and even a different set of words chosen, can be used as a learning experience and more respect is gained for the speaker of that truth.

Just think of the various authors that have captivated our attention over the centuries, or even orators whose words were put down by others. Shakespeare, Plato, Socrates, Mahatma Gandhi, Tolkien, and even modern authors of fiction and nonfiction alike have captivated us by the use of words. They have made us cry, laugh, frightened, thoughtful, and just left in awe by their use of language.

Even among my friends whether in the tangible or intangible worlds have left me just amazed at their gift with words. My own daughter has a wonderful gift with words as well. I know that I can write and convey my thoughts and feelings in written form more so than in the verbal, but I don't feel I'm as gifted with creative writings or storytelling.

To my friends that have shared and continue to share their words. whether in written or verbal form I thank you for the laughter, the thoughts and the various other emotions that go along with the fascinating and awe inspiring world of words.

The Ocean

While growing up in CA, I took for granted how easily accessible the Pacific Ocean was to where I lived.  It was at the most a half hour to forty five minute drive.  After I got my driver's license, when upset, I would go for a drive to the Santa Cruz area or further south to the Monterey area, just to watch the waves or walk along the beach.  Overcast days when the ocean was turbulent, were when I felt most strongly the presence of something larger than myself.

I now live in a land locked state.  There are lakes yes, but there's something about the power of the ocean that just makes one feel the omnipotence of the Creator.  The blues and the greens all mixing together to produce a palette that is soothing to the spirit.  The deafening sound of the waves roaring and crashing against the shore on a stormy day.  The mist spraying as it hits the rocks.  The smell of salt and seaweed mixed into the air.  The cry of the various seabirds as they fly overhead.  On the clear days, the waves will just roll in and hit against the shore, not necessarily quietly but with a powerful calmness that still makes you take notice.

I can, and have stood there for what seemed like an eternity just closing my eyes and listening to the sound of the ocean, letting a feeling of peaceful awe wash over me.  Letting the sounds and sights calm my restless spirit and remind me of how insignificant our place in this world really is, but how terribly blessed we are to share it with all the wonders around us.

When I'm near the ocean, I feel the connection between all of nature including the connection of man in the circle.  The ocean reminds me that it can survive without humans being there, but we can't survive without the oceans.  The symbionic flow between the land, the sky above and the ocean below is what keeps our planet temperate enough to allow all life to flourish in whatever form that is.

To me the saddest thing to listen to are those humans who have the audacity to think that we are destroying the Earth.  We aren't killing the earth.  The Earth will not die if we keep doing what we are doing to it.  WE will die if we keep doing what we are doing, (it's just easier to promote if there is the guilt produced by the thought of killing something else).  By taking for granted that if we destroy the air quality, if we destroy the water quality, we will destroy other creatures as well as the vegetation, and then when they die, we will die.  It's plain and simple.  But the thing is that after we die, the Earth would heal itself.  The Earth will have time to adapt and incorporate all our damage into the cycle of things and the Earth will go on.

We only have to look at the many sites around the world of lost civilizations, and the damages they created in nature around them.  Once those civilizations died off, moved away, or were killed by others, the cities where they once thrived were made part of nature again.  Those cities became home to the animals once more.  They were left alone and unmolested and were able to thrive once more, without help from the humans.  Maybe it's my Cherokee heritage or that of my Celtic lineage that I notice these things.  That I'm able to realize that if one part of the circle is broken then it is no longer a circle and we are all at risk for extinction.

It was either the cry of seagulls that I heard or the watching of the movie Avatar that brought on these thoughts.  It's not bad or negative, it's just thought provoking at how one group of meglomaniacs can think they are above nature and create such havoc and chaos.  Even though in a movie they show things in a condensed form and the invaders usually lose, real life doesn't work that fast, but in the end it will be Nature who will win because Nature has nothing but time.

Being kind

Being kind to someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it, doesn't always mean that the someone is taking advantage of you.  Being nice doesn't mean you are leaving yourself open to being taken advantage of or hurt or whatever.  Sometimes it is just a reflection of who you are as a person.    

I know that some, if not all of my friends, think that sometimes I'm too nice to my soon to be ex-husband, considering the way he has treated me and our children.  I'm not trying to make excuses, or defend him in any way what so ever. 

The fact is that I'm a good person, and I don't feel that I have to be mean to someone who's been mean to me.  There are other people I know right now who I know have been mean to me, betrayed me, gossiped about me and who knows what else, and the diatribes of others have affected some friendships, but I will not go out of my way to do the same thing.  I also will not go out of my way to be nice to the detractors either and that includes my soon to be ex-husband. 

I still do favors for him because he still does favors for me.  People either don't think about, or realize that I don't have family that I'm close to around me.  He and I are still friends, and get along better now that we are divorcing than we did while we were trying to stay married.  I keep telling everyone over and over, that he and I are friends that should have never gotten married.  I know he doesn't fully want the divorce because of the religious dogma of Catholicism that both of us grew up with, that says divorce is a sin and a couple should stay together once they get married.  I think a lot of that is garbage.  If something isn't working, you should not stay together for any reason because it is detrimental on many levels to everyone and most especially those involved.  But I digress, that is a topic unto itself for another time.

I know there are some who think I am just setting myself up for being hurt by being nice to him, maybe I am, but I have boundaries that he is not allowed to cross any longer, and I have made those boundaries perfectly clear. 

You can still be nice to someone while still keeping your eyes open and if you see that you are being taken advantage of, there is the choice to either keep being nice or you can step away.  There are ways to step away and still be nice.  Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that there comes a time when nice just isn't working and then that is the time to not be kind.  We have to be careful of the times when kindness doesn't work and you have to be unkind, because there is a line where unkindness can become cruelty and abuse.   

I am a very perceptive person, and I see who people are and I adjust my actions accordingly.  I'm not a doormat anymore for some people, and even though I choose to still talk to someone, or have them in my life, it's because I see who they really are and when their actions are going against what I see, I do let them know.  I just don't always do it for all to see or know about because it is not between me, that person and the world, it's between just me and that person.  There are even times when I let my actions speak louder than my words because sometimes words just aren't worth speaking.

Happiness

It is difficult to keep faith in an ideal when life keeps throwing obstacles in your way.  Those obstacles aren't necessarily there to take the faith away, but to see how strong it your faith is.  As some of you may know I believe that everything happens for a reason both good and bad to teach us whatever lessons we need to know, so we can move to the next phase of our life.  This belief is tested on a daily, sometimes, what seems to be an hourly basis.

I try to close my eyes, take a deep breath and repeat to myself it all happens for a reason, and it will always turn out the way it should, even if it's not the way we want.  This sometimes will calm me and give me an inner peace, other times it just pisses me off.  I'm not going to pretend that everything is good all the time, because it's not.  Sometimes life just sucks and that's all there is to it.  It's in these times that we are either broken or made, and it all depends on the way we choose to look at it.

I don't see everything with rose colored glasses and that the glass is half full all the time, and I don't see everything as dark and dreary with the glass as half empty all the time.  Some days the glass is half full, some days it's half empty.  I can find something funny in the most serious of situations, and I can find something serious in the most funny of situations.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I look at things. 

I don't always feel like being gregarious or extraverted, most of the time I am introverted and quiet and like things to be that way as well.  In relationships I haven't made the best choices for me, but I have always learned from them.  Even though I'm not looking for someone, it doesn't mean I'm not open to the possibility if it is presented.  I'm just more cautious about who I let in these days.  So for this in between time, I'm enjoying discovering who I am again.  Of learning my likes and dislikes without someone else's influence upon me.  I'm learning of what I will compromise on and what I won't.  I'm also learning that I'm more rigid about the things I won't compromise on anymore.  That's the good thing about not being in a relationship, learning about yourself.  That is if you aren't afraid to look within and truly examine where things have gone wrong.

Not too long ago someone pointed out that my poems have been emphasizing learning lessons and heeding the lessons learned.  That the journey taken for those lessons have in the end been worth it on so many levels.  If I don't learn from anything that happens to me then each situation is pointless and I will have to go through something similar over and over and in a bigger way each time until I get what I need to learn. 

Sometimes I've been quick to learn what I need to know, other times, not so much.  The other times have been excruciatingly painful while going through the situation, but I know it is because I haven't paid attention and the only way I was going to learn was through the pain.  Some of the situations I have brought upon myself, other times they have happened because of things outside of my control. 

I think the most important lesson I have ever learned is to remember that I am blessed even when I'm unhappy or hurting.  I know there are a lot out there who can't see the light while surrounded by dark.  I try to point out to those in the dark the light that they have in their lives, sometimes they see it, sometime they don't.  All I can do it try to show what I've learned to others, if they accept it then great, if not then I hope that they can find someone or something to help them find the happiness within.

So today I say to those that choose to read what I write:

Find something to be thankful for, no matter how small it might be, no matter how insignificant it might seem, because most of the time the smallest thing can make the biggest difference.

Easy to be pleasant

The following comes from a book that once belonged to my great grandparents called Apples of Gold. It was one of my great grandmother's favorites, and it's easy to see why, at least to me. It reminds me that I must strive to be pleasant even when things don't always go my way. It's important to remember that we each have our burdens, we each have trials we are going through every day. We need to remember that the face we present to others is how we are perceived. But remembering this little poem by an annoymous author helps keep things in perspective.

It is easy to be pleasant 
When life flows by like a song. 
But the man worth while is one who will smile, 
 When everything goes dead wrong. 


For the test of the heart is trouble, 
And it always comes with the years, 
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth 
Is the smile that shines thru the tears.