Another year

It has been a week since the divorce has been finalized by the judge.  That week has flown by so quickly.  My son has been here from CA and will be leaving in four days time.  My daughter goes back to school Monday to complete her 8th grade year.  Time is just moving so quickly.

Tomorrow I will turn another year older.  So many changes have happened in that year, some good, some bad, but all has changed me.  This time last year I was married, now I'm divorced.  This time last year I was looking forward to having a fun at a little get together for my birthday with some friends from work.  Little did I know it was going to be one of the best birthdays in a long time, I think since I was 12, and all because of the kindness of one person, to whom I am still thankful.  But this year, there are no plans for tomorrow at this moment.   

Right now the grief of my marriage ending has hit pretty hard.  But from what I understand that is perfectly normal.  I'm not bitter and I'm not angry yet.  I think that's the next stage of grieving.  Or at least that what the books and websites say about the grieving process.  The books say I could also completely skip over the anger stage and go straight to acceptance.  Which I think will happen, because I've already done the angry thing at having to get the divorce.  So I'm just ready to move on. 

I'm not shedding tears over him, I'm shedding tears over what the promise of my marriage held at one time, I'm mourning the loss of the dreams, hopes and future the marriage was supposed to bring.  I'm also mourning the loss of the person I was and how I have to let go of the naiveté that led me to believe that if I did everything I could to make my marriage work then it would last.  I forgot the little thing that it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two for the marriage to fail.  So perhaps my teaching him that he really didn't have to do much and I would always be there helped push my marriage over the edge.  It's just one of those things that wasn't meant to be.

Time for new beginnings.  That reminds me of the poem written by J.R.R. Tolkien called the Road Goes Ever On.  It first showed in "The Hobbit" in an abbreviated form, and then in full form in the "Lord of the Rings-The Fellowship of the Ring", or I may have that backwards, not sure, but I know it is from him, and this abbreviated version gives an idea of what my thoughts are at this time:

The Road Goes Ever On - J.R.R. Tolkien

The Road goes ever on and on
   Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
   And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
   Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
   And whither then? I cannot say.

Life is a journey but it was never promised to be easy or that we would get all that we want, so we have to weather both calm seas and raging storms.  Some will not make it, some will.  Either way, it is up to us on how we deal with what is thrown at us.  We can learn from it, accept our part in the good and bad then move on, or we can blame others for our own shortcomings and always feel inadequate.  Personally, I prefer the former.  The latter is too easy, it keeps us from taking responsibility for ourselves.  Too many today have that attitude.

I think differently from the crowd.  Most don't take the time to get to know me or if they do, my thoughts and how I do things are so foreign to them they then turn around and suddenly I'm gossip fodder.  Oh well, my thoughts are such that you will either like me or hate me, but either way you will respect or fear me.  I have weathered too many storms to continue to allow others to dictate how I act, what I say or how I say it.  I will not be rude, I will just be me. 

I feel I'm starting to ramble, so I will end this with a wish for everyone to have a very blessed day or night.

It's over

As of March 16, 2012, I am divorced.  Had we stayed married, on March 31, 2012, we would have been married 11 years.  I'm still processing how I'm feeling about everything.  I am free of the legal bonds that tied me to him.  The only way we are connected now is through the children.  This is what I have wanted and been waiting for such a long time, that it really is almost hard to fathom that it is finally over.

It is bittersweet in a way. At various times over the last 24 hours, I have alternated between wanting to shout from the rooftops and wanting to just cry.  Both emotions because it was over.  I don't have to deal with anything about him or his family any more.  I feel a new beginning, like I've turned a corner, that the future is mine.  Only thing left to separate myself from him on any sort of legal or financial level, is to get the house we bought together sold.  But I have a feeling I'm going to get screwed over on that one. C'est Le vie, I will just do what I need to, and then move on. 

I'm getting over the disbelief, and now I am just trying to process where I go from here.  I feel at peace right now.  My security will come from myself.  I have a love and a respect for myself, I haven't had in a long time, if ever.  My eyes have opened to where I see that some people will not change, that their own arrogance is what keeps them in the situations they find themselves.  I see that my own actions cause reactions in others, and I take responsibility for that. 

Previously, my tendency after a relationship ended, was to go on a male bashing frenzy.  I'm not going to do that this time.  I know that I am truly blessed because I have some male friends that I'm very close to and some that I come into contact with on a daily basis that show me there are still good guys out there even if they are gay, married, or otherwise intangible for some reason or another.

Unlike others I've heard about after a divorce, I'm not going to go on a wanton sex binge, that's just not me.  I have standards, and I have things I want from someone that entail more than just the sex act.  So if it takes a while to find these things then so be it.  I can't settle anymore for less than what I want or deserve.

I know there will be moments where I feel lonely and will want someone to wake up next to, but I would rather be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel like anyone could be laying there next to them.  I've lived that for the last 10 years of my life, I don't want that anymore.  It is demeaning, demoralizing, and cruel to stay because some religious dogma tells you to, or because it's convenient.  Life is too short.

So for now I will take care of my children, go about my life, and try to maintain some sort of balance.  If someone comes along that wants to join in that my children and I are compatible with and he wants to be a friend and companion in my crazy life, then it will be all good.

The Gentlest Person I Know

Today one of the joys in my life comes home.  It will be too short of a visit but it always is.  Two weeks will go by in the blink of an eye.  As those closest to me know the reasons my son is not with me.  Right now it is in his best interest to be with my sister and sister-in-law. 

My son is extremely smart but has some learning disabilities that make it necessary for him to be home schooled to get up to his grade level.  Even though I sent him to private schools, it isn't a matter of him not being able to do the work, it's in the manner in which he learns is the problem.  We have discovered he is an almost completely auditory learner, and for some reason his brain treats reading as a foreign language and it's difficult for him to read.  But if you read him something, he can remember it, comprehend it the same as if he were reading it himself.  Add on top of this, dyslexia and ADHD, and it creates some serious challenges to learning. 

School learning environments cater to those who are visual learners which means they have an easier time learning to read and being able to work more independently of the teacher.  Because of his issues my sister and sister-in-law stepped up and said they would be able to home-school him along with my nephew, (who happens to be a week younger than my son), so it makes things easier for the boys to learn because they can help each other in the different things they are good at doing. 

It's hard to accept that right now I'm not the best person for my son to be with, but as with everything involving your children, you have to put their needs first.  I miss the random hugs he gives, the day to day things that he would do that would make me laugh.  He's very intelligent, very kind, and is a very empathetic little boy.  My son will make comments on things that are very advanced for his age, and then turn around and do something that will make you shake your head and think the boy isn't right. 

But overall, he has a brightness and a joy for life that just emanates from him.  He accepts things that come his way whether bad or good.  He is so kind and gentle, that the words my dad said to me come back strongly when I look at my son.  There are times I worry about my son and this world will try to make him bitter and mean.  But I'm hoping and praying that like me, as my dad noticed in me, that his strength will come from that place of gentleness.  Had my dad lived, he would say that my son, his grandson, is the most gentle soul he has ever come across.  I know that my son is the gentlest person I've come across.  I'm not being biased, it is the way he is. 

In many ways he is at a disadvantage.  By being a boy in a world that expects boys to be borderline mean and cruel, kindness isn't looked upon too favorably.  I'm hoping that between my sister, my sister-in-law, myself, and positive male role models he will find a balance and know to be firm but gentle in how he approaches the world and those around him, AND be strong enough to not let others influence him to be someone he isn't.

I heave a sigh

I heave a sigh as a I try to re-group after another conversation where I let him get to me.  I never know how the conversations are going to go, so I try to keep my tone neutral, even when I'm seething with anger.  I really need to learn not let him get to me.

Everything I do is to try and make a better life for my children and I.  At one point he was a part of that, but he didn't appreciate what I did or the attention I tried to give him as a loving wife should, so I would try harder, the typical cliche of the more I gave, the more he took and I grew increasingly unhappy.  But yet, I would, and still try to keep the peace because it's better than fighting, sometimes I acquiesce to things I shouldn't just because it's easier than the ensuing argument that always happens. 

As what will hopefully be the last court date, I am more resolute to not allow him to take advantage of my kindness and then leave me with nothing but pain and doubt.  He stripped me of my dignity, he stole my self-worth, he took my confidence in myself, he put me on a shelf until it was convenient for him to take me down then give attention or abuse, whichever his feelings may have been at the moment.  However, I can't completely blame him.

I taught him, by allowing him to do those things, that it was alright to do so.  I gave him permission by not standing up for myself because of my not wanting to create waves. 

I know there may be some who read this and think to themselves that's not the Leslie I know.  Funny thing is that I give with both hands to those I love, and even friends, whom I know care, can sometimes find themselves forgetting about me.  It's just the way it is with me.  I'm not resentful because I know that if I need those same friends, they would be there. 

There are reasons behind my behavior, I know them, I understand them, I'm trying to change some of them, but I have years of conditioning to work through.  Unraveling the layers is work, and I'm relishing the work that I'm doing.  I know I have issues, I know I'm not perfect, however, I am a good person, a good mother, and a good friend.  I lost faith in many things over the years.  I've become very jaded and cynical on some things.  But that doesn't make me bad, just makes me tempered to what life throws at me.  I know I have the strength to deal with whatever comes my way again.

I'm saddened by my impending final divorce being filed, because it shows that my efforts were for nothing.  I am learning that it wasn't just on me, but on him as well.  If he wasn't willing to do the work, then it's just as much on him as me.  His words were different from his actions, so I had my answers to finalize the decisions I was making.

I'm satisfied that my impending final divorce will be taking place.  It has been a long time coming, I can move on, I can feel free, my voice will be heard again.  The only thought that runs through my mind over and over is that it is time, finally the time is coming to be free.  I heave a sigh of relief and I close my eyes and say a prayer of gratitude of the strength I was given to endure the situations presented to me.

Phenomenal

I have been told that since I seem to not be finding the right person and if it seems that I'm too strong or that I have no problem telling people what I think, that I should change that and maybe I would find the right person for me.  I don't think so. 

I tried to change who I was for the person I married.  I tried to conform to what his idea of the "perfect wife" should be.  Even when I did everything he asked me to do, he still wasn't happy.  He was so unhappy, that I got blamed for every little thing that was going wrong in his life and our married life.  I was belittled and he would constantly find ways to humiliate me when he could, in public or when we were home.  My self esteem was so low and I was so depressed that the thought of harming myself came to mind quite often.  I got to a point where I would crawl under my bed and just lay there curled in a ball.  The last time that happened, it scared my daughter so bad, that I found my way to my knees and then back to my feet.

Right now, I'm at the end stage of my divorce.  I pick up the final paperwork tomorrow, and on March 16th the paperwork will be presented to the judge, and if he signs it, I will be divorced.  I'm trying not to get too excited, because there's so much that has happened to drag this out, that I will be on pins and needles until it is done.

I am strong and I am proud.  I am kind and I am loving.  I am honest and I am forthright.  I will answer any question asked of me, however I will not break a confidence unless the confidence is one that could harm another.  I defend my friends, and I defend those who are being unjustly targeted.  I don't hate anyone, I choose not to speak to some, because of who they have shown themselves to be.  I take my responsibilities to my family very seriously, however I will not blindly turn the other way if a family member does something to harm another.  For the things previously mentioned, I am told I should change because a woman shouldn't be that way.  If I were a man I would be commended and considered a real man.  I am not a man, I am a woman, a phenomenal woman. 

I know who I am, I know where I came from, and I know where I would like to go.  I acknowledge that those that came before have set high standards, and up to now I have not lived up to those standards.  I know that even if I don't attain all of my goals, my main goal to raise my children to be independent, strong, and good people, who know that they should not settle for less than their best.  I fully admit that because of my choices I have not always been the best role model for them, and that because of those choices they have some struggles to overcome. 

I am not perfect, I know that I have flaws as everyone does, but I will not blame others for my shortcomings and failures.  I own my mistakes, but I will not be brow beaten for those mistakes.  I will correct what I can and move on.  I only expect others to do the same, if they can't then so be it, it's on them, not me.  I know that my actions, whether verbal or physical will have counter reactions either verbal or physical.  I can only control what I do, I can't control what others do.  All I ask from those in my life is to be honest with me, but don't be cruel while being honest because that isn't being honest, that is being vindictive.  I tell anyone and everyone, don't be afraid to come to me and ask questions about what you may have heard about me, or what someone else has claimed I said.  I will own what I have said whether good or bad. And if my words are taken out of context and twisted to suit another's needs, I will disavow what it is that I supposedly said because then it has become a lie to be used against me.  If explanation is needed then I will gladly give one.  I am not afraid of people thinking harshly of me, because it is something I have dealt with my entire life.  I think differently than most, but that is alright by me and those that care about me.

I know it's unrealistic to expect honesty from everyone.  I know that not everyone will be comfortable asking questions.  I understand this and so much more of human nature.  There isn't any harm in wanting these things because I really think that it is what the majority of us want.  Some just don't want to express these thoughts or know how to.

All I can say is that I am me and no one else, so don't expect me to be like the last person you met.

The below is one of my favorite poems by Dr. Maya Angelou.  It has again crossed my mind, and each time it does, I am inspired to write about my strengths.  I believe that when this poem does cross my mind it is for a reason. 

Phenomenal Woman 

by Dr. Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The rise of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Today was a better day

Today was a better day.  I took some steps I should have taken a long time ago to make what I want happen.  I had all the information, I just didn't know how to put it together.  I am having to spend money I hadn't planned on spending to get it done, but it will be well worth it in the end.

It's interesting how in a little over a decade, you can go from loving someone enough to marry them, to not wanting them to touch you, not wanting to be around them, as well as feeling nervous, anxious, panicky, chaotic, and frightened when they are around.  It's not how I thought my marriage would be, but it is how it turned out to be.

I am mending emotionally and spiritually.  I know that once this is finally over, I will be more at peace than I have been in quite a while.  I don't know if there will be tears of happiness or of grief.  Maybe a little bit of both.  I have never had such a feeling of bittersweet in any event that has taken place in my life.  I really am sad that my marriage didn't work out, but in the long run it is best for all concerned.

Sometimes I wish I still felt the same as the day I got married.  But if I think about it, I don't really believe that I want to.  There were so many confused emotions that day, there was elation, fear, hope, love, doubt, and uncertainty.

Now that I have taken care of what I can take care of, I feel calmer.  Hopefully soon all the nervousness, anxiousness, panic, chaos and fear will be a thing of my memory, neatly packed away.  I know I will one day have faith, hope and love again.  I have my criteria, I know what I will and will not compromise on.  As I grow, change, and heal, some of the criteria will change, some won't.  Either way it's up to me, and it's my thoughts and observations.  I'm a package deal, and my children are more important than anything else at the moment. 

So I will move forward and do what I need to, I will not close off my heart, I will keep standing.  I will not let him or anyone else bring me to my knees again.  I am worthy of more than I've been getting and I deserve more than what I've been getting.  I will not settle for less than what I deserve.

May all who read this make that their new mantra and find a way to be happy within themselves.

A minor venting

I am so trying to be the bigger person and not wish any harm on him because of the children mostly, but also because that's not who I am or want to become.  But there are days when I almost want to go against who I am.  Today was one of those days.

I want to rip him to shreds in this blog, but I really don't see why it would matter.  I'm not even sure it would make me feel better at this point.  So many different things over the years that he has sabotaged in some way or another for whatever his weak reasons are.  I really think that he feels if he makes this divorce as difficult as he can in a passive aggressive way I will get tired, give up and go back to him.  He really doesn't know me.  It only makes me loathe him even more.  I will be civil always because of the children.  I will be the better person because I know I'm the better person. 

I really don't want anything bad to happen to him.  I just want him to let me go.  I want him to move on and be happy.  I know I never made him happy and it wasn't because I didn't try.  I came to the realization you can't make someone happy who isn't happy themselves.

Right now I'm tired, I'm frustrated and I'm very angry.  I just want the divorce to be over.  It's time for this marriage to end.  Not something that I ever wanted to say about being married, but this is what I was given. 

I will not do the marriage thing again.  I will not be legally bond to anyone in that manner again.  If the relationship is true, that piece of paper is not needed.  The legal issues of not being a spouse can be overcome through living wills and powers of attorney.  But having to divide everything with several pieces of paper when the only thing left in a marriage is bitterness and anger, makes marriage not worth it at all for me.  I can't do this again, so the best way to avoid going through this again is to not get married.  Simply stated. 

I know this post isn't very informative.  It also isn't very clear the point of it.  For the most part this was just a minor venting about my situation that I find myself in.  I even acknowledge this isn't my best work.  My thoughts are scattered and unfocused.  Soon I will have clarity again, and soon I will find security.