Another year

It has been a week since the divorce has been finalized by the judge.  That week has flown by so quickly.  My son has been here from CA and will be leaving in four days time.  My daughter goes back to school Monday to complete her 8th grade year.  Time is just moving so quickly.

Tomorrow I will turn another year older.  So many changes have happened in that year, some good, some bad, but all has changed me.  This time last year I was married, now I'm divorced.  This time last year I was looking forward to having a fun at a little get together for my birthday with some friends from work.  Little did I know it was going to be one of the best birthdays in a long time, I think since I was 12, and all because of the kindness of one person, to whom I am still thankful.  But this year, there are no plans for tomorrow at this moment.   

Right now the grief of my marriage ending has hit pretty hard.  But from what I understand that is perfectly normal.  I'm not bitter and I'm not angry yet.  I think that's the next stage of grieving.  Or at least that what the books and websites say about the grieving process.  The books say I could also completely skip over the anger stage and go straight to acceptance.  Which I think will happen, because I've already done the angry thing at having to get the divorce.  So I'm just ready to move on. 

I'm not shedding tears over him, I'm shedding tears over what the promise of my marriage held at one time, I'm mourning the loss of the dreams, hopes and future the marriage was supposed to bring.  I'm also mourning the loss of the person I was and how I have to let go of the naiveté that led me to believe that if I did everything I could to make my marriage work then it would last.  I forgot the little thing that it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two for the marriage to fail.  So perhaps my teaching him that he really didn't have to do much and I would always be there helped push my marriage over the edge.  It's just one of those things that wasn't meant to be.

Time for new beginnings.  That reminds me of the poem written by J.R.R. Tolkien called the Road Goes Ever On.  It first showed in "The Hobbit" in an abbreviated form, and then in full form in the "Lord of the Rings-The Fellowship of the Ring", or I may have that backwards, not sure, but I know it is from him, and this abbreviated version gives an idea of what my thoughts are at this time:

The Road Goes Ever On - J.R.R. Tolkien

The Road goes ever on and on
   Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
   And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
   Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
   And whither then? I cannot say.

Life is a journey but it was never promised to be easy or that we would get all that we want, so we have to weather both calm seas and raging storms.  Some will not make it, some will.  Either way, it is up to us on how we deal with what is thrown at us.  We can learn from it, accept our part in the good and bad then move on, or we can blame others for our own shortcomings and always feel inadequate.  Personally, I prefer the former.  The latter is too easy, it keeps us from taking responsibility for ourselves.  Too many today have that attitude.

I think differently from the crowd.  Most don't take the time to get to know me or if they do, my thoughts and how I do things are so foreign to them they then turn around and suddenly I'm gossip fodder.  Oh well, my thoughts are such that you will either like me or hate me, but either way you will respect or fear me.  I have weathered too many storms to continue to allow others to dictate how I act, what I say or how I say it.  I will not be rude, I will just be me. 

I feel I'm starting to ramble, so I will end this with a wish for everyone to have a very blessed day or night.

It's over

As of March 16, 2012, I am divorced.  Had we stayed married, on March 31, 2012, we would have been married 11 years.  I'm still processing how I'm feeling about everything.  I am free of the legal bonds that tied me to him.  The only way we are connected now is through the children.  This is what I have wanted and been waiting for such a long time, that it really is almost hard to fathom that it is finally over.

It is bittersweet in a way. At various times over the last 24 hours, I have alternated between wanting to shout from the rooftops and wanting to just cry.  Both emotions because it was over.  I don't have to deal with anything about him or his family any more.  I feel a new beginning, like I've turned a corner, that the future is mine.  Only thing left to separate myself from him on any sort of legal or financial level, is to get the house we bought together sold.  But I have a feeling I'm going to get screwed over on that one. C'est Le vie, I will just do what I need to, and then move on. 

I'm getting over the disbelief, and now I am just trying to process where I go from here.  I feel at peace right now.  My security will come from myself.  I have a love and a respect for myself, I haven't had in a long time, if ever.  My eyes have opened to where I see that some people will not change, that their own arrogance is what keeps them in the situations they find themselves.  I see that my own actions cause reactions in others, and I take responsibility for that. 

Previously, my tendency after a relationship ended, was to go on a male bashing frenzy.  I'm not going to do that this time.  I know that I am truly blessed because I have some male friends that I'm very close to and some that I come into contact with on a daily basis that show me there are still good guys out there even if they are gay, married, or otherwise intangible for some reason or another.

Unlike others I've heard about after a divorce, I'm not going to go on a wanton sex binge, that's just not me.  I have standards, and I have things I want from someone that entail more than just the sex act.  So if it takes a while to find these things then so be it.  I can't settle anymore for less than what I want or deserve.

I know there will be moments where I feel lonely and will want someone to wake up next to, but I would rather be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel like anyone could be laying there next to them.  I've lived that for the last 10 years of my life, I don't want that anymore.  It is demeaning, demoralizing, and cruel to stay because some religious dogma tells you to, or because it's convenient.  Life is too short.

So for now I will take care of my children, go about my life, and try to maintain some sort of balance.  If someone comes along that wants to join in that my children and I are compatible with and he wants to be a friend and companion in my crazy life, then it will be all good.

The Gentlest Person I Know

Today one of the joys in my life comes home.  It will be too short of a visit but it always is.  Two weeks will go by in the blink of an eye.  As those closest to me know the reasons my son is not with me.  Right now it is in his best interest to be with my sister and sister-in-law. 

My son is extremely smart but has some learning disabilities that make it necessary for him to be home schooled to get up to his grade level.  Even though I sent him to private schools, it isn't a matter of him not being able to do the work, it's in the manner in which he learns is the problem.  We have discovered he is an almost completely auditory learner, and for some reason his brain treats reading as a foreign language and it's difficult for him to read.  But if you read him something, he can remember it, comprehend it the same as if he were reading it himself.  Add on top of this, dyslexia and ADHD, and it creates some serious challenges to learning. 

School learning environments cater to those who are visual learners which means they have an easier time learning to read and being able to work more independently of the teacher.  Because of his issues my sister and sister-in-law stepped up and said they would be able to home-school him along with my nephew, (who happens to be a week younger than my son), so it makes things easier for the boys to learn because they can help each other in the different things they are good at doing. 

It's hard to accept that right now I'm not the best person for my son to be with, but as with everything involving your children, you have to put their needs first.  I miss the random hugs he gives, the day to day things that he would do that would make me laugh.  He's very intelligent, very kind, and is a very empathetic little boy.  My son will make comments on things that are very advanced for his age, and then turn around and do something that will make you shake your head and think the boy isn't right. 

But overall, he has a brightness and a joy for life that just emanates from him.  He accepts things that come his way whether bad or good.  He is so kind and gentle, that the words my dad said to me come back strongly when I look at my son.  There are times I worry about my son and this world will try to make him bitter and mean.  But I'm hoping and praying that like me, as my dad noticed in me, that his strength will come from that place of gentleness.  Had my dad lived, he would say that my son, his grandson, is the most gentle soul he has ever come across.  I know that my son is the gentlest person I've come across.  I'm not being biased, it is the way he is. 

In many ways he is at a disadvantage.  By being a boy in a world that expects boys to be borderline mean and cruel, kindness isn't looked upon too favorably.  I'm hoping that between my sister, my sister-in-law, myself, and positive male role models he will find a balance and know to be firm but gentle in how he approaches the world and those around him, AND be strong enough to not let others influence him to be someone he isn't.

I heave a sigh

I heave a sigh as a I try to re-group after another conversation where I let him get to me.  I never know how the conversations are going to go, so I try to keep my tone neutral, even when I'm seething with anger.  I really need to learn not let him get to me.

Everything I do is to try and make a better life for my children and I.  At one point he was a part of that, but he didn't appreciate what I did or the attention I tried to give him as a loving wife should, so I would try harder, the typical cliche of the more I gave, the more he took and I grew increasingly unhappy.  But yet, I would, and still try to keep the peace because it's better than fighting, sometimes I acquiesce to things I shouldn't just because it's easier than the ensuing argument that always happens. 

As what will hopefully be the last court date, I am more resolute to not allow him to take advantage of my kindness and then leave me with nothing but pain and doubt.  He stripped me of my dignity, he stole my self-worth, he took my confidence in myself, he put me on a shelf until it was convenient for him to take me down then give attention or abuse, whichever his feelings may have been at the moment.  However, I can't completely blame him.

I taught him, by allowing him to do those things, that it was alright to do so.  I gave him permission by not standing up for myself because of my not wanting to create waves. 

I know there may be some who read this and think to themselves that's not the Leslie I know.  Funny thing is that I give with both hands to those I love, and even friends, whom I know care, can sometimes find themselves forgetting about me.  It's just the way it is with me.  I'm not resentful because I know that if I need those same friends, they would be there. 

There are reasons behind my behavior, I know them, I understand them, I'm trying to change some of them, but I have years of conditioning to work through.  Unraveling the layers is work, and I'm relishing the work that I'm doing.  I know I have issues, I know I'm not perfect, however, I am a good person, a good mother, and a good friend.  I lost faith in many things over the years.  I've become very jaded and cynical on some things.  But that doesn't make me bad, just makes me tempered to what life throws at me.  I know I have the strength to deal with whatever comes my way again.

I'm saddened by my impending final divorce being filed, because it shows that my efforts were for nothing.  I am learning that it wasn't just on me, but on him as well.  If he wasn't willing to do the work, then it's just as much on him as me.  His words were different from his actions, so I had my answers to finalize the decisions I was making.

I'm satisfied that my impending final divorce will be taking place.  It has been a long time coming, I can move on, I can feel free, my voice will be heard again.  The only thought that runs through my mind over and over is that it is time, finally the time is coming to be free.  I heave a sigh of relief and I close my eyes and say a prayer of gratitude of the strength I was given to endure the situations presented to me.

Phenomenal

I have been told that since I seem to not be finding the right person and if it seems that I'm too strong or that I have no problem telling people what I think, that I should change that and maybe I would find the right person for me.  I don't think so. 

I tried to change who I was for the person I married.  I tried to conform to what his idea of the "perfect wife" should be.  Even when I did everything he asked me to do, he still wasn't happy.  He was so unhappy, that I got blamed for every little thing that was going wrong in his life and our married life.  I was belittled and he would constantly find ways to humiliate me when he could, in public or when we were home.  My self esteem was so low and I was so depressed that the thought of harming myself came to mind quite often.  I got to a point where I would crawl under my bed and just lay there curled in a ball.  The last time that happened, it scared my daughter so bad, that I found my way to my knees and then back to my feet.

Right now, I'm at the end stage of my divorce.  I pick up the final paperwork tomorrow, and on March 16th the paperwork will be presented to the judge, and if he signs it, I will be divorced.  I'm trying not to get too excited, because there's so much that has happened to drag this out, that I will be on pins and needles until it is done.

I am strong and I am proud.  I am kind and I am loving.  I am honest and I am forthright.  I will answer any question asked of me, however I will not break a confidence unless the confidence is one that could harm another.  I defend my friends, and I defend those who are being unjustly targeted.  I don't hate anyone, I choose not to speak to some, because of who they have shown themselves to be.  I take my responsibilities to my family very seriously, however I will not blindly turn the other way if a family member does something to harm another.  For the things previously mentioned, I am told I should change because a woman shouldn't be that way.  If I were a man I would be commended and considered a real man.  I am not a man, I am a woman, a phenomenal woman. 

I know who I am, I know where I came from, and I know where I would like to go.  I acknowledge that those that came before have set high standards, and up to now I have not lived up to those standards.  I know that even if I don't attain all of my goals, my main goal to raise my children to be independent, strong, and good people, who know that they should not settle for less than their best.  I fully admit that because of my choices I have not always been the best role model for them, and that because of those choices they have some struggles to overcome. 

I am not perfect, I know that I have flaws as everyone does, but I will not blame others for my shortcomings and failures.  I own my mistakes, but I will not be brow beaten for those mistakes.  I will correct what I can and move on.  I only expect others to do the same, if they can't then so be it, it's on them, not me.  I know that my actions, whether verbal or physical will have counter reactions either verbal or physical.  I can only control what I do, I can't control what others do.  All I ask from those in my life is to be honest with me, but don't be cruel while being honest because that isn't being honest, that is being vindictive.  I tell anyone and everyone, don't be afraid to come to me and ask questions about what you may have heard about me, or what someone else has claimed I said.  I will own what I have said whether good or bad. And if my words are taken out of context and twisted to suit another's needs, I will disavow what it is that I supposedly said because then it has become a lie to be used against me.  If explanation is needed then I will gladly give one.  I am not afraid of people thinking harshly of me, because it is something I have dealt with my entire life.  I think differently than most, but that is alright by me and those that care about me.

I know it's unrealistic to expect honesty from everyone.  I know that not everyone will be comfortable asking questions.  I understand this and so much more of human nature.  There isn't any harm in wanting these things because I really think that it is what the majority of us want.  Some just don't want to express these thoughts or know how to.

All I can say is that I am me and no one else, so don't expect me to be like the last person you met.

The below is one of my favorite poems by Dr. Maya Angelou.  It has again crossed my mind, and each time it does, I am inspired to write about my strengths.  I believe that when this poem does cross my mind it is for a reason. 

Phenomenal Woman 

by Dr. Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The rise of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Today was a better day

Today was a better day.  I took some steps I should have taken a long time ago to make what I want happen.  I had all the information, I just didn't know how to put it together.  I am having to spend money I hadn't planned on spending to get it done, but it will be well worth it in the end.

It's interesting how in a little over a decade, you can go from loving someone enough to marry them, to not wanting them to touch you, not wanting to be around them, as well as feeling nervous, anxious, panicky, chaotic, and frightened when they are around.  It's not how I thought my marriage would be, but it is how it turned out to be.

I am mending emotionally and spiritually.  I know that once this is finally over, I will be more at peace than I have been in quite a while.  I don't know if there will be tears of happiness or of grief.  Maybe a little bit of both.  I have never had such a feeling of bittersweet in any event that has taken place in my life.  I really am sad that my marriage didn't work out, but in the long run it is best for all concerned.

Sometimes I wish I still felt the same as the day I got married.  But if I think about it, I don't really believe that I want to.  There were so many confused emotions that day, there was elation, fear, hope, love, doubt, and uncertainty.

Now that I have taken care of what I can take care of, I feel calmer.  Hopefully soon all the nervousness, anxiousness, panic, chaos and fear will be a thing of my memory, neatly packed away.  I know I will one day have faith, hope and love again.  I have my criteria, I know what I will and will not compromise on.  As I grow, change, and heal, some of the criteria will change, some won't.  Either way it's up to me, and it's my thoughts and observations.  I'm a package deal, and my children are more important than anything else at the moment. 

So I will move forward and do what I need to, I will not close off my heart, I will keep standing.  I will not let him or anyone else bring me to my knees again.  I am worthy of more than I've been getting and I deserve more than what I've been getting.  I will not settle for less than what I deserve.

May all who read this make that their new mantra and find a way to be happy within themselves.

A minor venting

I am so trying to be the bigger person and not wish any harm on him because of the children mostly, but also because that's not who I am or want to become.  But there are days when I almost want to go against who I am.  Today was one of those days.

I want to rip him to shreds in this blog, but I really don't see why it would matter.  I'm not even sure it would make me feel better at this point.  So many different things over the years that he has sabotaged in some way or another for whatever his weak reasons are.  I really think that he feels if he makes this divorce as difficult as he can in a passive aggressive way I will get tired, give up and go back to him.  He really doesn't know me.  It only makes me loathe him even more.  I will be civil always because of the children.  I will be the better person because I know I'm the better person. 

I really don't want anything bad to happen to him.  I just want him to let me go.  I want him to move on and be happy.  I know I never made him happy and it wasn't because I didn't try.  I came to the realization you can't make someone happy who isn't happy themselves.

Right now I'm tired, I'm frustrated and I'm very angry.  I just want the divorce to be over.  It's time for this marriage to end.  Not something that I ever wanted to say about being married, but this is what I was given. 

I will not do the marriage thing again.  I will not be legally bond to anyone in that manner again.  If the relationship is true, that piece of paper is not needed.  The legal issues of not being a spouse can be overcome through living wills and powers of attorney.  But having to divide everything with several pieces of paper when the only thing left in a marriage is bitterness and anger, makes marriage not worth it at all for me.  I can't do this again, so the best way to avoid going through this again is to not get married.  Simply stated. 

I know this post isn't very informative.  It also isn't very clear the point of it.  For the most part this was just a minor venting about my situation that I find myself in.  I even acknowledge this isn't my best work.  My thoughts are scattered and unfocused.  Soon I will have clarity again, and soon I will find security.

it's ok to cry

I am not going to lie and say that everything is always happy, fine, that there's nothing wrong.  Each day I do try to wake up and think of some blessing no matter how small it is, to be thankful for it.  Even on days where it is so hard to just get myself moving I try to do this.  Normally I can find something quickly to be thankful for even if it's my pets or I have to go with a roof over my head, yada, yada, yada, you get the picture.  Today was different.

I knew today was going to be a difficult day when I couldn't think of something immediately to be happy for.  I thought to myself, 'great, the inner demons are going to wreak havoc today'.  For the most part they were kept at bay, but it was a struggle. 

I have a tendency to want to take care of other people, especially if I care about them on some level.  I especially do it when I'm feeling down and it makes me feel good to take care of others in some way.  Sometimes this is misconstrued as something else, when it really isn't.  It's just the way I deal with things going on in my own life.

There are varying descriptions of this idiosyncrasy of mine.  It has been said because I'm kind hearted, a kind soul, a healer, a good friend, a mother hen, and other things along those lines.  To me it's a coping mechanism.  If I'm busy taking care of others then I don't have time to think about me and my thoughts and issues.  But when I come home and it's just my daughter and I, most of the time she's doing her thing and I'm left to my own devices and that's when my myriad of thoughts and the sadness from what has been going on crash like waves over me. 

I have to remember that I can't and shouldn't always fight the sadness and tears because they are there for a reason.  The tears are there to relieve the pressure that can build over time from holding everything in.  I'm not a big crier.  I will shed a few tears at a sad movie, I will cry when others are crying,  and oh I will start balling when I'm angry, which makes me even angrier, and then I cry harder, that's just a vicious circle I wish didn't happen.  But crying because I'm hurting emotionally or spiritually, not something I do too often.  However it is something I should let myself do.  I have to remember it's ok to cry, just like it's ok to laugh, it's ok to be angry, and like all the other emotions.  Not an easy thing to do for me.

So we'll see what the night brings.  Maybe I'll wake up and the demons will be at rest again, or...well we won't worry about that right now.

Ending and beginning

Today was a bittersweet day.  The house we bought together we put on the market to sell.  It's the home we bought after we had reconciled, and were planning to raise our children and grow old together.  But life has a way of changing your plans.  Even though I've been waiting for this divorce for a while, putting the house on the market put a period on the end of something that I knew I would only do one time.  Now the only thing left to do is have the divorce finalized and then I'm free.  Free...what a word to use in regards to the ending of a bond that wasn't supposed to be broken. 

There isn't any one particular reason as to why our bond unraveled, from my understanding, usually there's an accumulation of causes.  Which was the case with me.  Just little things happened over the years, and then it just got to where an incident finally severed the bond.  I don't want to go into the details of the incidents to justify my decision for divorce, suffice it to say it was the best for all concerned in the long run. 

Even though on some levels I am relieved about this finally ending so I can become happy again, on other levels I am extremely sad.  I didn't get married just to get a divorce.  I had made a commitment to myself that I would get married only once, whether it lasted or not.  That doesn't mean I won't have a relationship again, because I still think relationships are good.  I just don't feel the need to have that legal bond again.  I have heard from those married more than once tell me, "oh I said that too, and look at me, I got married again".  I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful to my friends and others who have said that, but in case y'all haven't noticed, I'm not like everyone else.  In most cases I am the exception to the rules people have they use to compartmentalize others.  I don't usually fit into any one area, and therefore, I'm either ignored, cherished, or vilified.  But, that too is a subject for another day.

Back to the subject at hand, marriage, or rather the ending of a marriage, particularly mine.  I've said over and over, he's not a bad person, and that we are friends that should never have gotten married.  Even though he has done some horrible things to me, I know I have done things that he may consider just as bad, so it's equal.  I accept my part in the failure of the matrimonial bond.

In any relationship whether romantic or platonic, there has to be give and take, there has to be honesty, mutual respect, mutual trust, communication and honesty.  There can't be rashness, cruelty, degradation, accusations, nor manipulation.  These last are a sure way to lead a relationship to destruction. 

In any and all relationships it takes two.  Two to make the relationship work, and two for the relationship to fail.  One person alone cannot carry the union.  I have learned these things over time, and I have learned that happiness has to come from within oneself first before you can even begin to attempt to make another happy.  Long ago a friend told me I needed to love myself, and he was right.  It wasn't until recently I was fully able to do so. 

I am sad and have grieved over the ending of my marriage, but I am also ready to move on to the next part of my life.  I am accepting of being alone, but I won't be lonely because I have my children, wonderful friends and a glimmer of hope that maybe there is someone who has the qualities I'm looking for in a mate, and hopefully I will have what he is looking for as well.  I'm not going to settle for someone, nor will I accept someone settling for me because that is also a recipe for disaster, something I've learned firsthand as well.

Depression

I have noticed that it is so easy for some to discount the way another feels because they either don't care, or they have never felt the same way, so they don't understand.
Depression is one of these things that many do not truly understand how debilitating it can be. It has a tendency to run in families, but it can strike at anyone. People will say, oh just shake it off, or you are just in a rut, try something different, or some other saying like that. They aren't trying to be mean, but if you have never experienced true depression then it's hard to understand. Yes, everyone can get the blues and be down, but depression is something beyond those things.
Unless you have lived through it and survived the deepest depths that depression can take you to, to the point of wanting to or even attempting to take your own life, then you have not experienced the type of depression I'm talking about.
I have known a few that have committed suicide and there were people that called them a coward and said if they had only reached out to someone, then they could have helped. But that's just it, depression makes you feel very alone.  You also don't want to burden anyone with your problems, and most of all, you don't want to bring anyone else down with you. Depression will strip all light from your life.  You don't want to do anything, you don't want to see anyone, most times you just want to sleep and not get out of bed.
The commercials for the antidepressants can only show what it looks like from the outside, but the war that is waging on the inside is a horrible, self-esteem stripping bloodbath, and like all wars, some don't make it. Those that do make it are constantly walking a fine line, and have to keep constant vigilance to not sink into those depths. It's tiring and exhausting to deal with, but you have to find something or someone, even if that someone doesn't know it, to focus on to keep you moving forward, and not spiral down into those dark depths again.
I am one of those that suffer from depression, I choose not to use the medication because I'm a very empathic person and the drugs make me feel like a part of me is missing, something similar to being blind or deaf is the only way I can describe it. Some of you have experienced my listening, and being able to pinpoint how you are feeling without you saying anything. On the medication I couldn't do that, and that made the drugs abhorrent to me.
Depression can lead to many addictions, like alcohol and drugs and even food. I don't drink that much anymore, because the temporary feeling of not feeling is too tempting, and since alcoholism as well as depression in many of its forms runs in my family, it's best if I don't drink too often. Sometimes I do partake, but I limit myself to how much I drink.
So for those of you who have never experienced this kind of depression, you are truly blessed and I really envy you, and I hope that you never do. For those of you who have, you know what I'm talking about.
For me the depression comes in cycles and I have to recognize the warning signs and start combating them. Learning that it's ok to feel some of the anger, resentment, and unhappiness that I do has helped. I have learned to channel it, mostly into writing, not all here, some elsewhere, but it is an outlet. It is a part of me, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Don't take the little things for granted, because sometimes the little things are all some of us have to hold onto.

Words

Sometimes I will just start writing around a particular word. Not really knowing what I'm going to write about it. I just let it take on a life of its own, just to see what happens. I'm one of those 'unique' individuals who, as a child, read the dictionary just because it was there and I had read everything else.  That's what happens when you have allergies and asthma and are forced to stay inside a lot.  

Words are wonderful, powerful, magical things. You can raise someone to the highest heights or throw them down into the deepest abyss by a single word, phrase or sentence. By changing the inflection of a spoken word, you can change the meaning. By rearranging the words in a sentence, you can change the tone.

The written word in a poem can have the same effect as a spoken word if the words are chosen correctly. You can make someone feel all sorts of emotions with words.

The words of truth can either cut like a knife to the heart; or the same truth spoken with a kinder tone and even a different set of words chosen, can be used as a learning experience and more respect is gained for the speaker of that truth.

Just think of the various authors that have captivated our attention over the centuries, or even orators whose words were put down by others. Shakespeare, Plato, Socrates, Mahatma Gandhi, Tolkien, and even modern authors of fiction and nonfiction alike have captivated us by the use of words. They have made us cry, laugh, frightened, thoughtful, and just left in awe by their use of language.

Even among my friends whether in the tangible or intangible worlds have left me just amazed at their gift with words. My own daughter has a wonderful gift with words as well. I know that I can write and convey my thoughts and feelings in written form more so than in the verbal, but I don't feel I'm as gifted with creative writings or storytelling.

To my friends that have shared and continue to share their words. whether in written or verbal form I thank you for the laughter, the thoughts and the various other emotions that go along with the fascinating and awe inspiring world of words.

The Ocean

While growing up in CA, I took for granted how easily accessible the Pacific Ocean was to where I lived.  It was at the most a half hour to forty five minute drive.  After I got my driver's license, when upset, I would go for a drive to the Santa Cruz area or further south to the Monterey area, just to watch the waves or walk along the beach.  Overcast days when the ocean was turbulent, were when I felt most strongly the presence of something larger than myself.

I now live in a land locked state.  There are lakes yes, but there's something about the power of the ocean that just makes one feel the omnipotence of the Creator.  The blues and the greens all mixing together to produce a palette that is soothing to the spirit.  The deafening sound of the waves roaring and crashing against the shore on a stormy day.  The mist spraying as it hits the rocks.  The smell of salt and seaweed mixed into the air.  The cry of the various seabirds as they fly overhead.  On the clear days, the waves will just roll in and hit against the shore, not necessarily quietly but with a powerful calmness that still makes you take notice.

I can, and have stood there for what seemed like an eternity just closing my eyes and listening to the sound of the ocean, letting a feeling of peaceful awe wash over me.  Letting the sounds and sights calm my restless spirit and remind me of how insignificant our place in this world really is, but how terribly blessed we are to share it with all the wonders around us.

When I'm near the ocean, I feel the connection between all of nature including the connection of man in the circle.  The ocean reminds me that it can survive without humans being there, but we can't survive without the oceans.  The symbionic flow between the land, the sky above and the ocean below is what keeps our planet temperate enough to allow all life to flourish in whatever form that is.

To me the saddest thing to listen to are those humans who have the audacity to think that we are destroying the Earth.  We aren't killing the earth.  The Earth will not die if we keep doing what we are doing to it.  WE will die if we keep doing what we are doing, (it's just easier to promote if there is the guilt produced by the thought of killing something else).  By taking for granted that if we destroy the air quality, if we destroy the water quality, we will destroy other creatures as well as the vegetation, and then when they die, we will die.  It's plain and simple.  But the thing is that after we die, the Earth would heal itself.  The Earth will have time to adapt and incorporate all our damage into the cycle of things and the Earth will go on.

We only have to look at the many sites around the world of lost civilizations, and the damages they created in nature around them.  Once those civilizations died off, moved away, or were killed by others, the cities where they once thrived were made part of nature again.  Those cities became home to the animals once more.  They were left alone and unmolested and were able to thrive once more, without help from the humans.  Maybe it's my Cherokee heritage or that of my Celtic lineage that I notice these things.  That I'm able to realize that if one part of the circle is broken then it is no longer a circle and we are all at risk for extinction.

It was either the cry of seagulls that I heard or the watching of the movie Avatar that brought on these thoughts.  It's not bad or negative, it's just thought provoking at how one group of meglomaniacs can think they are above nature and create such havoc and chaos.  Even though in a movie they show things in a condensed form and the invaders usually lose, real life doesn't work that fast, but in the end it will be Nature who will win because Nature has nothing but time.

Being kind

Being kind to someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it, doesn't always mean that the someone is taking advantage of you.  Being nice doesn't mean you are leaving yourself open to being taken advantage of or hurt or whatever.  Sometimes it is just a reflection of who you are as a person.    

I know that some, if not all of my friends, think that sometimes I'm too nice to my soon to be ex-husband, considering the way he has treated me and our children.  I'm not trying to make excuses, or defend him in any way what so ever. 

The fact is that I'm a good person, and I don't feel that I have to be mean to someone who's been mean to me.  There are other people I know right now who I know have been mean to me, betrayed me, gossiped about me and who knows what else, and the diatribes of others have affected some friendships, but I will not go out of my way to do the same thing.  I also will not go out of my way to be nice to the detractors either and that includes my soon to be ex-husband. 

I still do favors for him because he still does favors for me.  People either don't think about, or realize that I don't have family that I'm close to around me.  He and I are still friends, and get along better now that we are divorcing than we did while we were trying to stay married.  I keep telling everyone over and over, that he and I are friends that should have never gotten married.  I know he doesn't fully want the divorce because of the religious dogma of Catholicism that both of us grew up with, that says divorce is a sin and a couple should stay together once they get married.  I think a lot of that is garbage.  If something isn't working, you should not stay together for any reason because it is detrimental on many levels to everyone and most especially those involved.  But I digress, that is a topic unto itself for another time.

I know there are some who think I am just setting myself up for being hurt by being nice to him, maybe I am, but I have boundaries that he is not allowed to cross any longer, and I have made those boundaries perfectly clear. 

You can still be nice to someone while still keeping your eyes open and if you see that you are being taken advantage of, there is the choice to either keep being nice or you can step away.  There are ways to step away and still be nice.  Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that there comes a time when nice just isn't working and then that is the time to not be kind.  We have to be careful of the times when kindness doesn't work and you have to be unkind, because there is a line where unkindness can become cruelty and abuse.   

I am a very perceptive person, and I see who people are and I adjust my actions accordingly.  I'm not a doormat anymore for some people, and even though I choose to still talk to someone, or have them in my life, it's because I see who they really are and when their actions are going against what I see, I do let them know.  I just don't always do it for all to see or know about because it is not between me, that person and the world, it's between just me and that person.  There are even times when I let my actions speak louder than my words because sometimes words just aren't worth speaking.

Happiness

It is difficult to keep faith in an ideal when life keeps throwing obstacles in your way.  Those obstacles aren't necessarily there to take the faith away, but to see how strong it your faith is.  As some of you may know I believe that everything happens for a reason both good and bad to teach us whatever lessons we need to know, so we can move to the next phase of our life.  This belief is tested on a daily, sometimes, what seems to be an hourly basis.

I try to close my eyes, take a deep breath and repeat to myself it all happens for a reason, and it will always turn out the way it should, even if it's not the way we want.  This sometimes will calm me and give me an inner peace, other times it just pisses me off.  I'm not going to pretend that everything is good all the time, because it's not.  Sometimes life just sucks and that's all there is to it.  It's in these times that we are either broken or made, and it all depends on the way we choose to look at it.

I don't see everything with rose colored glasses and that the glass is half full all the time, and I don't see everything as dark and dreary with the glass as half empty all the time.  Some days the glass is half full, some days it's half empty.  I can find something funny in the most serious of situations, and I can find something serious in the most funny of situations.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I look at things. 

I don't always feel like being gregarious or extraverted, most of the time I am introverted and quiet and like things to be that way as well.  In relationships I haven't made the best choices for me, but I have always learned from them.  Even though I'm not looking for someone, it doesn't mean I'm not open to the possibility if it is presented.  I'm just more cautious about who I let in these days.  So for this in between time, I'm enjoying discovering who I am again.  Of learning my likes and dislikes without someone else's influence upon me.  I'm learning of what I will compromise on and what I won't.  I'm also learning that I'm more rigid about the things I won't compromise on anymore.  That's the good thing about not being in a relationship, learning about yourself.  That is if you aren't afraid to look within and truly examine where things have gone wrong.

Not too long ago someone pointed out that my poems have been emphasizing learning lessons and heeding the lessons learned.  That the journey taken for those lessons have in the end been worth it on so many levels.  If I don't learn from anything that happens to me then each situation is pointless and I will have to go through something similar over and over and in a bigger way each time until I get what I need to learn. 

Sometimes I've been quick to learn what I need to know, other times, not so much.  The other times have been excruciatingly painful while going through the situation, but I know it is because I haven't paid attention and the only way I was going to learn was through the pain.  Some of the situations I have brought upon myself, other times they have happened because of things outside of my control. 

I think the most important lesson I have ever learned is to remember that I am blessed even when I'm unhappy or hurting.  I know there are a lot out there who can't see the light while surrounded by dark.  I try to point out to those in the dark the light that they have in their lives, sometimes they see it, sometime they don't.  All I can do it try to show what I've learned to others, if they accept it then great, if not then I hope that they can find someone or something to help them find the happiness within.

So today I say to those that choose to read what I write:

Find something to be thankful for, no matter how small it might be, no matter how insignificant it might seem, because most of the time the smallest thing can make the biggest difference.

Easy to be pleasant

The following comes from a book that once belonged to my great grandparents called Apples of Gold. It was one of my great grandmother's favorites, and it's easy to see why, at least to me. It reminds me that I must strive to be pleasant even when things don't always go my way. It's important to remember that we each have our burdens, we each have trials we are going through every day. We need to remember that the face we present to others is how we are perceived. But remembering this little poem by an annoymous author helps keep things in perspective.

It is easy to be pleasant 
When life flows by like a song. 
But the man worth while is one who will smile, 
 When everything goes dead wrong. 


For the test of the heart is trouble, 
And it always comes with the years, 
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth 
Is the smile that shines thru the tears.

My children

There are several topics that are floating about in my agile brain (that likes to wake up and be alert at the most annoying times) that I could write about, but I think I will share my most favorite one, the one that is the most positive.

Over the last five or six years, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions.  I have been to the depths of depression, so far down that I wasn't sure I would come back from that abyss, and then back up to the height of joy and then only to dip back down into the darkness, and back up again.  The twists and turns of happiness and despair have all been brought on by my own inner demons that I allowed to be fed not only by me but by others as well, and they, for the time being at least, have been caged and the lock securely fastened.  But that doesn't mean those nasty insecure thoughts and fears won't escape. 

The reasons they have been caged and the lock fastened are because I have been truly blessed to have the children I have.  I know that I have been divinely favored to have them both.  Each one of them have, in their own way, helped me come back from that abyss. 

Because of who they are as individuals, and as human beings, they have kept me aware that there is no greater joy in my life than them.  And because of who they are and who I am as a mother, I have fought the Catholic School system for them, I have defended them to one I shouldn't have to defend them to.  They have kept me laughing and smiling, and striving to be better.  They inspire me to move forward, to see the joy in situations, to be fair and keep my temper in check.  It's because of them I'm learning to make choices that not only benefit them, but me as well in the long run. 

They both have huge hearts, are very loving, intelligent, have wonderful senses of humor.  They both have made me proud in how they have handled difficult situations over the years.  When they are away from me or out in public, the proudest moments I feel are when I get feedback that they were helpful, well behaved, and my most favorite one came from a flight attendant that told me they listened better than the majority of adults at the instructions being given.  The relationship I have with my children is one in which they know they can come talk to me, even if they think it will get them in trouble.  They know I will listen. 

Don't get me wrong, they are not perfect little angels and can frustrate the heck out of me like any child can.  They have their moments of where I would like to knock them into next week or even past the age of 18.  Like any child, I don't think they fully comprehend the lengths I would go to for them, and that is how it should be. 

So for my children, I have found my backbone again, I have again found compassion that I thought I had lost.  I know I have strength.  I know I am a good person, and because of their love and faith in me, I have found those things within myself again.  They are the reason for my seeing or trying to find the light all around even on my darkest days.

Loss is not always a bad thing

As another sleepless night takes over my world, my wide awake brain stumbles across the thought of loss.  Not necessarily loss from death, but the voluntary loss of giving up something or someone else that has meaning to you in some way or another. 

I know that on other occasions I have written about loss and how it's not necessarily a bad thing, and I still firmly believe that, even after the losses I've suffered over the last 2 1/2 years.  I'm also bracing myself for a couple of losses that I know will be coming up in the next year.

All loss, whether via the final loss of death of a person or a pet or the loss of a relationship whether romantic or platonic, helps us to grow in some way.  That loss humbles us, teaches us that everything changes and everything ends at one time or another.  Alright so that came across on more of the despondent side when it really isn't meant to be that way.  Change can be good, if you look at it with a certain perspective.  Then again, I feel that almost any situation, if viewed in the right light is a good thing, or will be given time.  Most loss can be looked at as a new beginning.  A new chapter to start again.  Yes those last statements are very much a cliché, but it is the truth.  Loss can teach us to own our mistakes, admit our failings and be able to apologize with sincerity. 

In both romantic and platonic relationships, it isn't one person who makes or breaks the union, it is both people who make or break the pairing.  When a relationship ends, it gives each person a chance to figure out what they themselves did to perpetuate the ending.  We can only evaluate our own actions because the actions and reactions to any given situation is controlled by the individual not by outside forces.  Once we honestly evaluate and even re-evaluate our part in the demise of the relationship, we can then change that within ourselves that aided in the ending of the union.

The key to make any relationship whether platonic or romantic work is open and honest communication.  Too many times a good relationship is trashed because of gossip from other people who have their own insecure agendas to attend to.  Most of the time when someone is talking to you about another person, there is a little voice in your head going wait, this doesn't sound like that person, 9 times out of 10 that little voice is right.  I have been the one to trash a friendship because of what was said, and I have been on the receiving end of the one being trashed by someone who for some unknown reason was jealous of me and who I am to someone. 

In the instance where I trashed a friendship because of what was said, it was because I didn't listen to that little voice in my head that told me what was being said didn't sit well and wasn't right.  When I have been on the receiving end, a potential love walked away because there was fear of confrontation, fear of rejection and a fear of if what was being said was true.  It was only after a series of events and as this person was dying that they found the courage to contact me to ask, and the answers they received and gave were bittersweet.  It was discovered that had they come to me sooner, then we both could have possibly had, no matter how brief, a wonderful relationship where the only regret was the lack of time together. 

So for my part I try to go to the person directly, even if some time has gone by.  Sometimes you never know, there may still be a chance for things to work out favorably and hope is something that you should never let go of.

So slow it's not noticed at first...

A friend of mine whom I have never met in a tangible way, but have connected on the social networking site IMVU wrote a poem that speaks to me in many ways. The poem below gives an idea of the life that I have led for the last 11 years.  

It's not like you seek out someone who's going to undermine everything you are, it just happens.  It happens because the person starts out so very charming and loving, and then they find every flaw you have, every insecurity and they pick and pick and pick until you feel that it's you that is the problem when in actuality it is them.  It's not an overnight thing, or a few days, it happens so slowly, that no one can realize it's happening until the actions of someone unexpected, (if you're one of the lucky ones), opens your eyes to the reality of your life. 

It's only when you start to realize what is truly happening in your life around you that you start to find yourself again, and sometimes become aggressive in your attitude, words and actions towards others.  This isn't because you are an aggressive person, but because you want to vehemently protect what you are fighting so hard to regain.  When anyone or anything seems to want to take it from you their actions, even when meant as a jest, will elicit a reaction that is usually more than what the situation calls for. 

I am one of the lucky ones.  I had someone unexpected, about 7 years ago now, open my eyes to the reality of my life.  They weren't even trying to do that, this person was just being kind, and even though we have gone our separate ways, this person will always have a special place in my heart.

This poem below that my friend wrote just says it all.

People just don’t understand,
when I say you made me change my fit,
You didn’t actually order me to do it.
No you were more subtle in your control
Merely expressing such disdain
That I was eager to change
Switch to something that you loved
Basking in your words of praise
Not understanding until far too late
That was the beginning of my fate
Teaching, training me to obey
Every little thing you say
A disapproving frown
at the color of my gown
were all it took to send me scurrying
ripping off the offending item hurrying
It was not restricted to the way I dressed
You soon controlled every living breath
Whom I saw, where I was, what I did.
Sounding so reasonable in your requests
You knew better to do as you said was best.
By the time other punishments started for me to pay
when I was stubborn and thought to disobey
You made me feel you had the right
I was yours protected and safe only by your might
The world was a cruel horrible place
Only with you would I be okay.
When I was a shallow mockery
Of the person I used to be
Miraculously you set free
Left a shallow hollow shell of me
Tossed aside like used up trash
You moved on to conquer another in a flash
And now here I am trying to find myself
Shaking my head when people ignorantly say
Oh I would never let someone treat me that way.
Before him I would have said the same
Knowing better now how sweet charming fellows
Often hide conniving devils.

Eli 1/14/12

Just something off my chest

I have to say that I am easily amused and highly entertained by those that think they know me, what I think about, who I am, and how I spend my time when I'm not in their presence.  So I'm going to divulge the secret life I lead.

My divorce is about to be finished and contrary to the belief of some, I am so not looking for a new relationship of the romantic persuasion.  I have spent the last 12 years with the same man, and the majority of those years have not been the happiest years for me.  So my being involved with someone is the furthest thing from my mind right now.

Like every newly divorced person, right now I'm saying I won't marry again.  But I really do believe that I won't be legally tied to another person again via the route of marriage.  I know I will more than likely commit to someone else, but I'm very, very leery about having the legal bind there again. 

For the first time in my life I am dependent on no one to make sure things are taken care of.  Little by little I'm finding that I am taking care of things on my own.  So I'm happy being single right now.  I have some good friends that would be there if I needed them, and I have family that, (even though I would have to drive for hours or fly to them), loves me and would be there for me as well.

Most of the time I'm at home with one or both of my children, I am either watching a movie, TV or playing on the computer when I'm not picking up after the hurricanes known as my children.  I go out about once or twice a month with my gay boyfriend.  Overall my days are spent either at work or at home.  Nothing too exciting, no major drama other than ex-spouse; I lead a very quiet life actually. 

I'm on semi friendly terms with my future ex husband, but that's mainly because of our children.  I have my children and my animals.  I would like someone in my life, but I'm a package deal, and my children will come before any man. 

I am slowly finding the calm within and I try to focus on that most of the time.  I try not to burden others with what's going on in my life that's drama filled. 

So basically, I'm single, I'm happy, I'm not looking for anyone but I'm open to the idea.  I feel truly blessed for everything and everyone in my life.

new blog and little light

I've had a blog on here for quite a while, but have gone away from it and come back to it several times.  It has been a mainstay of how my life has chronicled since deciding it was best that my husband and I divorce. 

I would like for this new blog to have a new tone, new thoughts, or even just expanding on ideas that I just briefly touched on, basically I would like to try and show a new attitude.

I have found an inner light that sometimes burns very brightly and I get comments, compliments and maybe a few complaints.  Other days it's very faint but I can still see it. 

When I made reference to this little light a few days ago, a friend of mine advised in our chat on facebook " You just do NOT hold onto that happiness.  It'll scare it away.  Treat it like the sun...somedays it's strong and warm, some days it's cloudy and veiled...but it's always there anyhow."

That is the trick though; to remember that even when the light is faint and I'm having a hard time seeing it, that the happiness I've found within me is still there.  I just have to focus more on the light and what makes me happy and not let the extraneous interferences get to me.  Yes, it is much easier said than done, but it is the truth and I've never been one to hide from the truth.

So as the days go by and my thoughts spur me to write, I'm going to be writing again.  Maybe the thoughts will be funny, maybe serious, maybe who knows what.  But I'm working on me again and keeping the little flame going and not let someone bring me down enough to where it is extinguished.