I heave a sigh

I heave a sigh as a I try to re-group after another conversation where I let him get to me.  I never know how the conversations are going to go, so I try to keep my tone neutral, even when I'm seething with anger.  I really need to learn not let him get to me.

Everything I do is to try and make a better life for my children and I.  At one point he was a part of that, but he didn't appreciate what I did or the attention I tried to give him as a loving wife should, so I would try harder, the typical cliche of the more I gave, the more he took and I grew increasingly unhappy.  But yet, I would, and still try to keep the peace because it's better than fighting, sometimes I acquiesce to things I shouldn't just because it's easier than the ensuing argument that always happens. 

As what will hopefully be the last court date, I am more resolute to not allow him to take advantage of my kindness and then leave me with nothing but pain and doubt.  He stripped me of my dignity, he stole my self-worth, he took my confidence in myself, he put me on a shelf until it was convenient for him to take me down then give attention or abuse, whichever his feelings may have been at the moment.  However, I can't completely blame him.

I taught him, by allowing him to do those things, that it was alright to do so.  I gave him permission by not standing up for myself because of my not wanting to create waves. 

I know there may be some who read this and think to themselves that's not the Leslie I know.  Funny thing is that I give with both hands to those I love, and even friends, whom I know care, can sometimes find themselves forgetting about me.  It's just the way it is with me.  I'm not resentful because I know that if I need those same friends, they would be there. 

There are reasons behind my behavior, I know them, I understand them, I'm trying to change some of them, but I have years of conditioning to work through.  Unraveling the layers is work, and I'm relishing the work that I'm doing.  I know I have issues, I know I'm not perfect, however, I am a good person, a good mother, and a good friend.  I lost faith in many things over the years.  I've become very jaded and cynical on some things.  But that doesn't make me bad, just makes me tempered to what life throws at me.  I know I have the strength to deal with whatever comes my way again.

I'm saddened by my impending final divorce being filed, because it shows that my efforts were for nothing.  I am learning that it wasn't just on me, but on him as well.  If he wasn't willing to do the work, then it's just as much on him as me.  His words were different from his actions, so I had my answers to finalize the decisions I was making.

I'm satisfied that my impending final divorce will be taking place.  It has been a long time coming, I can move on, I can feel free, my voice will be heard again.  The only thought that runs through my mind over and over is that it is time, finally the time is coming to be free.  I heave a sigh of relief and I close my eyes and say a prayer of gratitude of the strength I was given to endure the situations presented to me.