Phenomenal

I have been told that since I seem to not be finding the right person and if it seems that I'm too strong or that I have no problem telling people what I think, that I should change that and maybe I would find the right person for me.  I don't think so. 

I tried to change who I was for the person I married.  I tried to conform to what his idea of the "perfect wife" should be.  Even when I did everything he asked me to do, he still wasn't happy.  He was so unhappy, that I got blamed for every little thing that was going wrong in his life and our married life.  I was belittled and he would constantly find ways to humiliate me when he could, in public or when we were home.  My self esteem was so low and I was so depressed that the thought of harming myself came to mind quite often.  I got to a point where I would crawl under my bed and just lay there curled in a ball.  The last time that happened, it scared my daughter so bad, that I found my way to my knees and then back to my feet.

Right now, I'm at the end stage of my divorce.  I pick up the final paperwork tomorrow, and on March 16th the paperwork will be presented to the judge, and if he signs it, I will be divorced.  I'm trying not to get too excited, because there's so much that has happened to drag this out, that I will be on pins and needles until it is done.

I am strong and I am proud.  I am kind and I am loving.  I am honest and I am forthright.  I will answer any question asked of me, however I will not break a confidence unless the confidence is one that could harm another.  I defend my friends, and I defend those who are being unjustly targeted.  I don't hate anyone, I choose not to speak to some, because of who they have shown themselves to be.  I take my responsibilities to my family very seriously, however I will not blindly turn the other way if a family member does something to harm another.  For the things previously mentioned, I am told I should change because a woman shouldn't be that way.  If I were a man I would be commended and considered a real man.  I am not a man, I am a woman, a phenomenal woman. 

I know who I am, I know where I came from, and I know where I would like to go.  I acknowledge that those that came before have set high standards, and up to now I have not lived up to those standards.  I know that even if I don't attain all of my goals, my main goal to raise my children to be independent, strong, and good people, who know that they should not settle for less than their best.  I fully admit that because of my choices I have not always been the best role model for them, and that because of those choices they have some struggles to overcome. 

I am not perfect, I know that I have flaws as everyone does, but I will not blame others for my shortcomings and failures.  I own my mistakes, but I will not be brow beaten for those mistakes.  I will correct what I can and move on.  I only expect others to do the same, if they can't then so be it, it's on them, not me.  I know that my actions, whether verbal or physical will have counter reactions either verbal or physical.  I can only control what I do, I can't control what others do.  All I ask from those in my life is to be honest with me, but don't be cruel while being honest because that isn't being honest, that is being vindictive.  I tell anyone and everyone, don't be afraid to come to me and ask questions about what you may have heard about me, or what someone else has claimed I said.  I will own what I have said whether good or bad. And if my words are taken out of context and twisted to suit another's needs, I will disavow what it is that I supposedly said because then it has become a lie to be used against me.  If explanation is needed then I will gladly give one.  I am not afraid of people thinking harshly of me, because it is something I have dealt with my entire life.  I think differently than most, but that is alright by me and those that care about me.

I know it's unrealistic to expect honesty from everyone.  I know that not everyone will be comfortable asking questions.  I understand this and so much more of human nature.  There isn't any harm in wanting these things because I really think that it is what the majority of us want.  Some just don't want to express these thoughts or know how to.

All I can say is that I am me and no one else, so don't expect me to be like the last person you met.

The below is one of my favorite poems by Dr. Maya Angelou.  It has again crossed my mind, and each time it does, I am inspired to write about my strengths.  I believe that when this poem does cross my mind it is for a reason. 

Phenomenal Woman 

by Dr. Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The rise of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.