It's over

As of March 16, 2012, I am divorced.  Had we stayed married, on March 31, 2012, we would have been married 11 years.  I'm still processing how I'm feeling about everything.  I am free of the legal bonds that tied me to him.  The only way we are connected now is through the children.  This is what I have wanted and been waiting for such a long time, that it really is almost hard to fathom that it is finally over.

It is bittersweet in a way. At various times over the last 24 hours, I have alternated between wanting to shout from the rooftops and wanting to just cry.  Both emotions because it was over.  I don't have to deal with anything about him or his family any more.  I feel a new beginning, like I've turned a corner, that the future is mine.  Only thing left to separate myself from him on any sort of legal or financial level, is to get the house we bought together sold.  But I have a feeling I'm going to get screwed over on that one. C'est Le vie, I will just do what I need to, and then move on. 

I'm getting over the disbelief, and now I am just trying to process where I go from here.  I feel at peace right now.  My security will come from myself.  I have a love and a respect for myself, I haven't had in a long time, if ever.  My eyes have opened to where I see that some people will not change, that their own arrogance is what keeps them in the situations they find themselves.  I see that my own actions cause reactions in others, and I take responsibility for that. 

Previously, my tendency after a relationship ended, was to go on a male bashing frenzy.  I'm not going to do that this time.  I know that I am truly blessed because I have some male friends that I'm very close to and some that I come into contact with on a daily basis that show me there are still good guys out there even if they are gay, married, or otherwise intangible for some reason or another.

Unlike others I've heard about after a divorce, I'm not going to go on a wanton sex binge, that's just not me.  I have standards, and I have things I want from someone that entail more than just the sex act.  So if it takes a while to find these things then so be it.  I can't settle anymore for less than what I want or deserve.

I know there will be moments where I feel lonely and will want someone to wake up next to, but I would rather be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel like anyone could be laying there next to them.  I've lived that for the last 10 years of my life, I don't want that anymore.  It is demeaning, demoralizing, and cruel to stay because some religious dogma tells you to, or because it's convenient.  Life is too short.

So for now I will take care of my children, go about my life, and try to maintain some sort of balance.  If someone comes along that wants to join in that my children and I are compatible with and he wants to be a friend and companion in my crazy life, then it will be all good.