Today was a better day

Today was a better day.  I took some steps I should have taken a long time ago to make what I want happen.  I had all the information, I just didn't know how to put it together.  I am having to spend money I hadn't planned on spending to get it done, but it will be well worth it in the end.

It's interesting how in a little over a decade, you can go from loving someone enough to marry them, to not wanting them to touch you, not wanting to be around them, as well as feeling nervous, anxious, panicky, chaotic, and frightened when they are around.  It's not how I thought my marriage would be, but it is how it turned out to be.

I am mending emotionally and spiritually.  I know that once this is finally over, I will be more at peace than I have been in quite a while.  I don't know if there will be tears of happiness or of grief.  Maybe a little bit of both.  I have never had such a feeling of bittersweet in any event that has taken place in my life.  I really am sad that my marriage didn't work out, but in the long run it is best for all concerned.

Sometimes I wish I still felt the same as the day I got married.  But if I think about it, I don't really believe that I want to.  There were so many confused emotions that day, there was elation, fear, hope, love, doubt, and uncertainty.

Now that I have taken care of what I can take care of, I feel calmer.  Hopefully soon all the nervousness, anxiousness, panic, chaos and fear will be a thing of my memory, neatly packed away.  I know I will one day have faith, hope and love again.  I have my criteria, I know what I will and will not compromise on.  As I grow, change, and heal, some of the criteria will change, some won't.  Either way it's up to me, and it's my thoughts and observations.  I'm a package deal, and my children are more important than anything else at the moment. 

So I will move forward and do what I need to, I will not close off my heart, I will keep standing.  I will not let him or anyone else bring me to my knees again.  I am worthy of more than I've been getting and I deserve more than what I've been getting.  I will not settle for less than what I deserve.

May all who read this make that their new mantra and find a way to be happy within themselves.