Ending and beginning

Today was a bittersweet day.  The house we bought together we put on the market to sell.  It's the home we bought after we had reconciled, and were planning to raise our children and grow old together.  But life has a way of changing your plans.  Even though I've been waiting for this divorce for a while, putting the house on the market put a period on the end of something that I knew I would only do one time.  Now the only thing left to do is have the divorce finalized and then I'm free.  Free...what a word to use in regards to the ending of a bond that wasn't supposed to be broken. 

There isn't any one particular reason as to why our bond unraveled, from my understanding, usually there's an accumulation of causes.  Which was the case with me.  Just little things happened over the years, and then it just got to where an incident finally severed the bond.  I don't want to go into the details of the incidents to justify my decision for divorce, suffice it to say it was the best for all concerned in the long run. 

Even though on some levels I am relieved about this finally ending so I can become happy again, on other levels I am extremely sad.  I didn't get married just to get a divorce.  I had made a commitment to myself that I would get married only once, whether it lasted or not.  That doesn't mean I won't have a relationship again, because I still think relationships are good.  I just don't feel the need to have that legal bond again.  I have heard from those married more than once tell me, "oh I said that too, and look at me, I got married again".  I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful to my friends and others who have said that, but in case y'all haven't noticed, I'm not like everyone else.  In most cases I am the exception to the rules people have they use to compartmentalize others.  I don't usually fit into any one area, and therefore, I'm either ignored, cherished, or vilified.  But, that too is a subject for another day.

Back to the subject at hand, marriage, or rather the ending of a marriage, particularly mine.  I've said over and over, he's not a bad person, and that we are friends that should never have gotten married.  Even though he has done some horrible things to me, I know I have done things that he may consider just as bad, so it's equal.  I accept my part in the failure of the matrimonial bond.

In any relationship whether romantic or platonic, there has to be give and take, there has to be honesty, mutual respect, mutual trust, communication and honesty.  There can't be rashness, cruelty, degradation, accusations, nor manipulation.  These last are a sure way to lead a relationship to destruction. 

In any and all relationships it takes two.  Two to make the relationship work, and two for the relationship to fail.  One person alone cannot carry the union.  I have learned these things over time, and I have learned that happiness has to come from within oneself first before you can even begin to attempt to make another happy.  Long ago a friend told me I needed to love myself, and he was right.  It wasn't until recently I was fully able to do so. 

I am sad and have grieved over the ending of my marriage, but I am also ready to move on to the next part of my life.  I am accepting of being alone, but I won't be lonely because I have my children, wonderful friends and a glimmer of hope that maybe there is someone who has the qualities I'm looking for in a mate, and hopefully I will have what he is looking for as well.  I'm not going to settle for someone, nor will I accept someone settling for me because that is also a recipe for disaster, something I've learned firsthand as well.